I haven't done an update in a little while. I've thought about it a million times, but my emotions have literally been ALL OVER THE PLACE. Sharing this journey so publicly, puts you in a very vulnerable place & I just needed to keep my feelings private for a minute. But, I'm ready to share a little more of whats been going on.
My last update was the night before my egg retrieval. I don't think I got much sleep that night. I finally fell asleep around 2 but I just figured I would be able to sleep all the next day. We got there right on time despite the snow storm we have had. I didn't want to be late. I had my new lucky pineapple socks on. I kept hearing how pineapple was good to eat so we figured it would be good to wear too. They collected the cost for anesthesia, and then took me back. The anestheologist explained what he was going to do and after I changed into a gown he poked me with the IV. By this point, I'm so used to needles I don't think I even noticed to poke. I remember Brady leaving the room, and I instantly felt a little more nervous. Funny how much having your husband there calms you, even if its across the room. My Dr came in and I remember her asking about my socks and that was it.
I remember waking up and wondering if they had done the procedure or when they were going to start. The anesthesiologist explained they were done! And he helped me into the recovery room. I remember he put a heating pad on my stomach and it felt so good! Little did I know, it would be my saving grace and best friend for the next few days. My dr came in and told me the news. 12 eggs. Wait, 12?? Thats it?? Shouldn't it have been 20? I thought all girls had 20...? I was instantly nervous, but still trying to be hopeful. I slept the rest of the day and moving around was not an option. The next day they called to tell us our numbers. Luckily they called in the morning because it felt like an eternity. 12 eggs, 9 mature & 5 fertilized with ICSI. FIVE?? THAT IS IT? Now I'm really worried. Brady's worried too, he will never tell me, but I knew.
The night before my surgery Brady and I were studying the scriptures together and we were studying David and Goliath. Without getting too personal, this was something we knew we needed to do. It wasn't until after my surgery, and after my fertilization count that it hit us why. David had 5 stones, and it only took him 1, to take out Goliath. And the odds were completely against him. I felt like this was my own personal "Goliath" and it would only take 1 embryo to make a baby. SO we prayed, and hoped, and prayed some more for at least 1 embryo, just one.
The next 2 days were some of the longest of my life. I was really worried and upset, and to top it off I got really sick to my stomach. I won't give details except I was living in the bathroom and when I wasn't in the bathroom I was curled up with my heating pad best friend. I also started progesterone pills which made me extremely bloated and it hurt! To be honest, the night before I felt defeated. I felt like there was major potential this was all going to be for nothing. Luckily my husband is the greatest, most positive partner and helped calm me down. He's so great.
We were supposed to find out friday (day 3) what our embryos were looking like. I was honestly expecting 1 or 2 but hoping for 3 or 4. Friday came and I woke up extra early, I was luckily feeling better, physically anyway. I waited and waited and waited. Usually they call in the morning but the hours just kept passing. I remember even googling the time my clinic closed because it was already 4pm and no call. FINALLY the call came. I was preparing myself for the worst, when the nurse said "Okay you have 5 embryos..." and everything stopped. I could not believe it. All 5 had made it to day 3. Luckily my husband was there and it was on speaker because I didn't even remember hearing any instructions for the transfer. I didn't even know if we would be able to do a transfer! We hung up, and I just sobbed and thanked Heavenly Father for helping those little embryos to grow. I haven't been that happy in a long time. Like I said, the emotions were unreal.
Friday night we went to the temple for date night and it was the first time I'd be out of the house since Tuesday morning. It was nice, but my stomach killed. Saturday we just had a really chill day, ate at cheesecake factory and watched a movie that night. Oh and I ate my pineapple core of course haha. I just wanted to do everything i could to make sure I was calm and relaxed for transfer.
Sunday came (day 5) and we got ready for the transfer. Brady and I brought our clinic donuts because that probably isn't the most fun thing they could do on a Sunday, but to us, this could change our lives. We found out right before the transfer that we only had 2 embryos that made it to day 5. If you would've asked me weeks ago how I would've felt at that point I would've said that probably would have been extremely disappointing. But I wasn't disappointed at all. In fact, I was relieved. We had 2 embryos to transfer!! What a blessing! Yeah, we didn't have any to freeze but I think with enough faith we won't need to do it again.
The transfer went great! And I didn't feel any pain at all. It was probably the easiest part of this whole process and it was exciting for us. Scary, but exciting. We don't know what will happen in these next few weeks. And we don't really have control over it either. And I've realized that its okay. I want to be a mom more than anything in this world and I would give anything to have a baby. But, I know that God knows that. I know he's heard my prayers. I know he knows my heart. AND I KNOW that God's plan for me, is significantly greater than ANY plan I could ever come up with for myself. So I am going to put my full trust and full faith in Him and his goodness. I know if for some reason its not this round, as devastating as that would be, I know there is still happiness ahead. I know we will be blessed and I know there is good at the end of this. We didn't come to earth to suffer and be miserable. There really is good in every trial, we just have to find it.
So now we wait. We wait with hope and faith that these little embryos will stick and they'll become big and strong little babes! Until then, you can find me binge watching netflix because today is my "princess day" and I'm not supposed to be doing any-thinggg!! I think I deserve one day off after the 6 weeks I've had haha.