I remember teaching my little primary class at our Church about this months ago. That God say Yes, No & Not yet to the things we ask for. Who knew a 4 year old's lesson would now be applicable to my situation haha.
So It's been a few days since I found out that my numbers were dropping and that I was miscarrying. I've been able to process things a little bit better now. I'm actually REALLY grateful because my heart has been filled with peace, and the anger is (mostly) gone. For now anyway haha. To be so happy about something you've wanted for so long and have it ripped away, is not a good feeling.
I can honestly say I have never been so heartbroken in my entire life. I did not know I was even capable of feeling that sad. I felt complete despair. I didn't know HOW I was ever going to feel okay again, it just didn't even seem possible. But time does heal all wounds.
I did not see this outcome happening. It wasn't even something that I had even really considered. It was either going to be successful and we'd have a baby, or I wouldn't get pregnant at all. Not get pregnant but loose it. That sucked.
As much as that sucked, staying pissed at God is not going to do me any favors. When I found out, I was SO angry at Heavenly Father. SO pissed! I think I prayed once during those few days, when before I was probably praying 50 times a day haha! Who knows, maybe he was glad to get a little "break" from me HA Just kidding.
I had done EVERYTHING I could during my entire IVF process to make sure I was spiritually where I needed to be. I did everything I could in every aspect, so why wasn't I blessed? Why didn't Heavenly Father answer my prayers?! I turned on the tv to try to distract myself from what was happening and it was Dr. Phil. I have never watched Dr Phil, but after that "cash me outside" girl, I figured it would be entertaining enough to get my mind off things haha AND I didn't care enough to change the channel. The feeling of being fully numb had set it. The guest on his show, was a girl who was addicted to heroine and they tried to send her to get help, but she wasn't having it...BUT here's the kicker...SHE WAS PREGNANT. HOW is that fair? Why would God let her have a baby, but I couldn't?? Moral of the story, don't watch Stupid Dr Phil.. haha
Here are things I've learned. God DID in fact answer all my prayers. I prayed to get pregnant, and I did. I prayed that I would have a healthy baby-but I wasn't going to, and that was not something God punished me with, or "sent me". It was just a natural part of being here on earth. He answered my prayer because I wanted a healthy baby and he knew for whatever reason it would not be. As bad as it sucked to have been pregnant and lost it, I know Heavenly Father knows me. He answered all my prayers. He knows what will make me happiest in the end. Weirdly enough, the way things played out, was actually a blessing and gives us more hope to try again and hope that it will progress the way it should. Even in the hardest times God blesses us.
The second thing I've learned is there is always something positive/a blessing in every situation. I think when bad things happen, its not natural to look for the good. It all just sucks, and it hurts and it feels unfair. But when I've stepped back and been able to really look at each situation, there has always been something positive or a blessing. So I would encourage anyone going through a tough time, especially with infertility to FIND THE GOOD. There is always something good. Write it down, remember it and be grateful for your blessings. I know the happiest people, are the most grateful.
The third thing is to BE KIND and DONT COMPARE. Things are not always as they seem. (Especially on social media!) I have watched so many girls over the years and all their cute posts about their adorable little kiddos. I always just assumed it was probably easy for them to get pregnant. And in the past, Ill be honest it allowed angry, bitter feelings to come over me. Well guess what, news flash it wasn't always easy for them! I have been shocked by the amount of girls who have told me that it wasn't easy, that they struggled too. You just never know. BUT even if it was easy for someone, or it was an "accident", that's okay too!! It's not their struggle. I can promise you they have their own. So don't hate them for it. Because they are battling something else that is probably causing the same kind of hurt you're feeling. And maybe you have been blessed with what that person so desperately wants. It's a lot easier and more beneficial to just, Be kind. I know it isn't always easy, but try.
I love this talk, and I would recommend it to ANYONE. It talks about different ways to love any situation or circumstance that you're in. I love this part of the talk. It gives me the most peace, and always helps me to stay positive and hopeful for the future.
"The third thing we can do is understand the principle of compensation. The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."
That means for every sad tear I have now, it will be compensated with a happiness I probably didn't even know I could feel. Even though it didn't come when I wanted, it will still come. So here's to staying positive, faithful and "compensation" to come haha.